Outlaw techno phsychob****—a tale of a pre-relationship agreement

Purely comedy—completely unrelated to my usual ramblings.

Let’s all agree, we’ve had that one relationship. The one where they cannot relate to logic. The one where the past is brought up to fight an argument in the present. The one where every single thing you say WILL be held against you in the kitchen. And, the one that forces you to meet the parents after about three hours of dating.

Protect yourself in the future with this complete “Pre-relationship agreement”. (Free of charge)

Disclaimer: I normally write intelligent articles about software & business that should be taken seriously. Please don’t take this article seriously. If you feel the urge to have a vegan-cross-fit-rabit-cooker meltdown, please try reading alternate texts like ‘The Holy Bible’ and ‘The Secret’ which probably be available in a book store near you. Bits of this article have been appropriated from “Nice Guys Sleep Alone” by Bruce Fierstein — editing has occurred… obviously.

Technical note: it really isn’t that difficult to provide quick references between titles, the table of contents and even definitions. These are called anchors. Anchors are very helpful. AustLii should use anchors. Just saying.

 Pre-relationship Agreement

CONTENTS

  1. Parties to the agreement
  2. Warranties and limitation of liability
  3. Ambiguity, contra proferentem, and interpretation
  4. Operative Term
  5. Reasonable expectation of privacy
  6. Definitions
  7. Full disclosure
  8. Indemnification of friends
  9. Definition of relationship
  10. Terms of exclusivity
  11. Dating etiquette
  12. Terms of payment
  13. Living arrangements
  14. The ninety (90) day grace period
  15. The “L” word
  16. Grounds for termination
  17. Termination
  18. Declaration of post-termination strength
  19. Addendum
  1. PARTIES TO THE AGREEMENT
    1. The party of the first part (herein referred to as he/him/his) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him/his).
    2. Obviously, as this is a same-sex agreement, this agreement will be hopelessly difficult to read and assumptions can be made completely as to the meanings of ss 7-18 below.
    3. The above declaration at (b) does not infringe upon both party or their expressed rights notated in ss 2-3.

  2. WARRANTIES AND LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

    ANY EXPRESS INTERACTION OR INITIATION IS AN ACCEPTANCE OF THE UNDERWRITTEN CONDITIONS BELOW.

    THE OPERATORS OF WWW.WILLHACKETT.COM AND ASSOCIATED CORPORATIONS, ENTITIES, AND WEB APPLICATIONS INCLUDING ASSOCIATED COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, AND WEB PROPERTIES ARE INDEMNIFIED FROM RECOURSE DUE TO AN ACTION, INACTION, OR OMISSION BY THE OPERATORS, INCLUDING ANY THIRD PARTY OR THIRD PARTY ASSOCIATIONS WHETHER DISTINCT OR LACKING DISTINCTION, AND CANNOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY AND ALL ACTIONS RESULTING FROM THE PERUSAL OF THIS LEGAL AGREEMENT AND RELIANCE THEREUPON WITHOUT A PARTY APPROPRIATELY UNDERSTANDING THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES AND RIGHTS. THIS AGREEMENT SHOULD BE READ IN THE COMPANY OF AN ATTORNEY OR LEGAL PRACTITIONER WHEREBY ANY OR ALL OF THE AGREEMENT IS EXPRESSED TO EITHER PARTY AS CAUSING CONFUSION, AS INCOMPREHENSIBLE OR AS UNINTELLIGIBLE.

    THIS LEGAL AGREEMENT IS ONLY BINDING ON THE PARTIES WHERE BOTH PARTIES INDICATE THEIR EXPRESS AGREEMENT EITHER ORALLY OR IN WRITING, OR BOTH, AND THE AGREEMENT HAS BEEN REACHED AND WHOLLY UNDERSTOOD.

  3. AMBIGUITY, CONTRA PROFERENTEM, AND INTERPRETATION
    1. In the interpretation of this agreement or any part of it, no rule of construction shall apply to the disadvantage of any party on the basis that that party:
      1. prepared this agreement or any part of it; or
      2. seeks to rely on this agreement or any part of it.
    2. The language in this agreement shall be interpreted as to its fair meaning and not strictly for or against any party.
    3. Where a section, paragraph, or item is deemed to be ambiguous relating to operative provisions on both or either party, the removal of the section, paragraph, or item is deemed not to affect the operation of the remainder of the agreement.
    4. Where a section, paragraph, or item is deemed to be struck out or unfair on both or either party, the removal of the section, paragraph, or item is deemed not to affect the operation of the remainder of the agreement.
  4. OPERATIVE TERM
    1. The terms listed below in correspondence with the undertaking of a binding legal agreement expressed in s 2 above will have an operative period from:
      1. said day of agreement; or
      2. a date retrospective of all and any initial interaction.
      3. In the instance where the above conditions at (i)-(ii) fall on the same day, this is the day of agreement.
      4. The term operates wholly at the discretion of the parties where notated in writing.
  5. REASONABLE EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY


    What privacy?
    var messages = ['Pfft please...', '...what privacy?', 'You expect privacy?', 'You\'re dreaming!']; setInterval(function() { document.getElementById('what-privacy').innerText = messages[messages.push(messages.shift()) - 1]; }, 1000);



  6. DEFINITIONS
    1. boyfriend: Nomenclature for relationship of greater than sixty (60) days following the commencement.
    2. commencement: First date or first match; see day of agreeement.
    3. couple: Nomenclature for relationship of greater than sixty (60) days following the commencement.
    4. day of agreement: Date from which the operative provisions of the agreement come into affect; date and time specified by the parties that they wish to enter into agreement.
    5. first date: See commencement.
    6. fix-up: Encounter or meeting of the parties.
    7. gets too serious: Breach of obligations under s14-15 of this agreement.
    8. give up: Ceasing relations and terminating this agreement.
    9. going out: First thirty (30) days of relationship.
    10. G word: Gone; an indemnifying word on the party to whom the L word is uttered during the operative term of this agreement.
    11. he: The first party to the agreement.
    12. him: The second party to the agreement.
    13. his: A possession or relation of a party to the agreement.
    14. holds: To have the power to take or detain another party.
    15. home cooked meal: An attempt, including failed, falsely undertaken, or sad, at cooking that will undoubtedly result in a kitchen-fire or purchase of takeaway pursuant to this agreement.
    16. impartial intermediary: A third party acquaintance or observer of the parties who is not invested in the successfulness or unsuccessfulness of the relationship.
    17. item: Nomenclature for relationship of greater than thirty (30) days following the commencement.
    18. lover: Nomenclature for relationship of greater than sixty (60) days following the commencement.
    19. L word: Love; release clause from this agreement when uttered during the operative provisions, wholly according to the terms set out therein.
    20. matchmaker: Artificial intelligence, entity, party, person, or service platform that arranged the liaison between the parties.
    21. mess: Comparable state of lodgings with regard to acceptable external standards of cleanliness and hygiene.
    22. missing in action: Unresponsive to fifty (50%) percent of communication attempts
    23. moving too fast: Breach of obligations under s14-15 of this agreement.
    24. my better half: Release clause from this agreement when uttered during the operative provisions, wholly according to the terms set out therein.
    25. my old lady: Release clause from this agreement when uttered during the operative provisions, wholly according to the terms set out therein.
    26. my old man: Release clause from this agreement when uttered during the operative provisions, wholly according to the terms set out therein.
    27. one more shot: A successive attempt after the relationship has broken down in an attempt at reparation.
    28. on the market: Available for a third party to enter into relationship with a party.
    29. pick up after himself: Where a party makes a reasonable effort to not leave items on the floor-area used for walking, or on areas used for other general purposes, such as kitchen benches.
    30. psycho bitch: See Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct,” or Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.”
    31. real loser: See “John DeLorean: My Story,” available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos’ parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse.
    32. rights: The powers of the party.
    33. seeing somebody: Nomenclature for relationship of greater than thirty (30) days following the commencement.
    34. strange political affiliations: Political persuasions that impair the ability of the party to undertake their obligations in this agreement.
    35. social diseases: General impairments to the health and well-being of a party that impairs the ability to undertake obligations in this agreement.
    36. the little woman: Release clause from this agreement when uttered during the operative provisions, wholly according to the terms set out therein.
    37. the old ball and chain: Release clause from this agreement when uttered during the operative provisions, wholly according to the terms set out therein.
    38. wounded party: A party on whom a breach has been committed under this agreement.
  7. FULL DISCLOSURE
    1. At the commencement of said relationship, each party agrees to fully disclose any:
      1. current boyfriends;
      2. dependent children;
      3. bizarre religious beliefs;
      4. phobias;
      5. fears;
      6. social diseases;
      7. strange political affiliations; or
      8. currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
    2. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated:
      1. mother;
      2. father;
      3. brother;
      4. sister; or
      5. a combination of the above;
    3. complexes.
    4. Fanatical obsessions with:
      1. pets;
      2. careers; or
      3. organised sports
    5. should also be duly disclosed by him in his interests.
    6. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
  8. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS
    1. Both parties agree to hold the matchmaker blameless in the event the fix-up turns out to be a:
      1. real loser; or
      2. psycho bitch.
  9. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP
    1. Should said relationship proceed past the first fix-up both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said dating:
      1. For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are going out.
      2. Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are seeing somebody and may be referred to by third parties as an item.
      3. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date either member may elect to use the terms boyfriend or lover and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as a couple.
      4. The terminology listed above (i)-(iv) neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.
    2. Under no circumstances are the phrases my better half, the little woman, the old ball and chain, or my old man/lady acceptable.
    3. Further, with consent of both parties, this timetable may be accelerated.
    4. However, if either party gets too serious and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of moving too fast and may once again be said to be on the market.
  10. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY
    1. For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on:
      1. weekends;
      2. weeknights; or
      3. over long holiday periods.
    2. No unreasonable demands or expectations shall be made.
    3. Both parties agree they have no rights or holds on the other’s time.
    4. Following the first six (6) weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be missing in action without explanation for a period greater than seven (7) calendar days, the wounded party agrees to give up.
  11. DATING ETIQUETTE
    1. For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other’s work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions.
    2. A minimum of six (6) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the calendar week.
    3. Additionally, for the first two (2) weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance.
    4. During this period the following actions are expressly impermissible:
      1. running off in the middle of the night;
      2. any and all actions to console an old boyfriend.

    5. Both parties agree to strike the phrase “but he needs me” from their vocabulary.

    6. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees:
      1. to attempt at least one spontaneous home cooked meal and;

      2. will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers;

      3. where (ii) is a requirement under this agreement solely in the event of a wounded party.
    7. Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal
      personalities.
  12. TERMS OF PAYMENT
    1. It is agreed that both parties shall contribute in an equal (50/50 split) manner to all:
      1. dinners;
      2. clubs;
      3. theaters; and
      4. breakfasts until:
        1. He considers him suitably impressed;
        2. both parties are broke; or
        3. He says, “this is ridiculous, you pay!”

    2. The above payment terms at (a) are wholly separate from and do not rely upon the gross income of either party.

    3. Each party bears an equivalent and equal cost.

    4. Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
  13. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS

    (occasionally known as the “Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?” codicil)
    1. Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.
    2. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of:
      1. landlords;
      2. progenitors
      3. or roommates.

    3. Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning.
    4. He agrees to pick up after himself while in residence at his apartment.

    5. The above behaviour mentioned at (d) includes:
      1. washing his whiskers out of the sink;
      2. assisting with household duties;
      3. agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment a mess;
      4. with special regard since the parties tend to excel in said above mentioned area at (iii).
  14. THE NINETY (90) DAY GRACE PERIOD
    1. For the first three (3) months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases such as:
      1. “Let’s move in together,”
      2. “Why don’t we start a family?”; and – using archaic terminology–
      3. “Let’s get married.”

    2. Additionally, each party agrees to:

      1. love;
      2. cherish;

      3. honor; and

      4. defend

      the other party’s right not to meet his parents.

  15. THE “L” WORD

    This section is to be read in conjunction with, but wholly separate to in operation, s14 above.

    1. For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase “I love you.”

    2. They may love:
      1. plants;
      2. dogs;
      3. cats;
      4. cars;
      5. concerts; or
      6. the way a particular pair of jeans fits.

    3. Parties may not love each other during this time.

    4. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the G word.

    5. Gone.
  16. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION
    1. Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
      1. Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
      2. Ending any argument with the sentence “My ex- used to do that same thing”;
      3. Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member should seek “help”;
      4. ending any argument with the phrase “My analyst thinks you are…”; and
      5. complaining more than twice about the contents of the other party’s refrigerator (or lack thereof).

    2. The above list as grounds for termination is non-exhaustive.
  17. TERMINATION
    1. Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes’ notice before terminating said relationship;
    2. Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appear to be “on the rocks”.
    3. At the termination of said affair:
      1. both parties agree to be mature and return compiled:
        1. socks;
        2. sweatshirts;
        3. books;
        4. record albums;
        5. door keys
        6. personal undergarments

        with all due haste through an impartial intermediary;


      2. each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72)
        hours before engaging in sex with any of the other’s
        friends;

      3. both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other
        for a period of at least seven days (bedroom
        performance included);
      4. both parties further consent to use one
        of the following nebulous terms in the description of
        the breakup:
        1. “The timing wasn’t right”;
        2. “He wanted more than I could give”;
        3. “He was too involved in his career”;
        4. “He decided to go back with his:
          1. boyfriend;
          2. last lover;
          3. hometown;
          4. therapist.”

  18. DECLARATION OF POST-TERMINATION STRENGTH

    1. At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
      1. “You’ll never find anybody better”;
      2. “Nobody could ever make you happy”;
      3. “I’ll find somebody who can really appreciate me”; and
      4. “My analyst thinks you are _____”

    2. Response contained above at (iv) may entail psychosis or other psychological attribute to be completed at the time apparent.
  19. ADDENDUM
    1. After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship one more shot.
    2. Any readers agree that this document is complete nonsense and that I took the Tinder joke way too far.


 
102
Kudos
 
102
Kudos

Now read this

Expedia Viewfinder—a ReactJS application

Viewfinder is a tremendously important project for me as it’s one of the first projects I began at Studio None. Starting at a new firm is daunting, but the team at Studio None are such a perfect mesh that I was up to speed and powering... Continue →